Posted April 17, 2024 | Article by Nolan Collery | Photo by AP Photographer Gregory Bull
I absolutely love mascots. I think every organization would be better off with a giant, fuzzy creature to cheer them on through their highs and their lows.
That said, when I see an opposing team’s mascot obnoxiously celebrating against one of the teams I hold near and dear to my heart, I get filled with a white-hot rage that terrifies me. This moment of anger almost always leads me to the same thought:
‘‘Yeah, I could take that guy.’’
Let’s get my qualifications out of the way – I am 6”1, large build, I’d like to say above average strength and a trained martial artist (black belt in tang-soo-do).
Now, let’s set the rules for my opponents – they must be what I consider to be the primary mascot of the team, only professional American leagues are being considered and mascots may only use the equipment/weapons they are equipped with in suit form.
One final side note – I can’t fight my mascots, otherwise I have bad news for the Pirate Parrot.
Alright, let’s stand on business.
No. 10 Billy the Marlin
These brawls are on my terms, so we’re sticking to dry land to take on the Miami Marlins’ head man. The obvious issue for me is the weaponized schnoz this guy has, so we need to play this one smart.
A marlin can only survive a few minutes outside of water, so if I can stay evasive for just long enough, I can win this one without even throwing a punch.
Battle Strategy – Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge
No. 9 Lucky the Leprechaun
Listen, in the story, David does beat Goliath.
This would almost be a fair fight. Lucky has a certain advantage in the ‘being able to do backflips’ and ‘pulling off a vest’ categories, but I straight up win the size and reach battle.
Frankly, if I just wear him out by placing my hand on his forehead as he tries to charge at me, I think I got this one in the bag.
Battle Strategy: Older brother combat
No. 8 Hugo the Hornet
Hugo is the glass cannon of mascots. He’s got one trick and he’s not shy to use it.
If Hugo catches me with the stinger, I am a dead man. I don’t have an allergy, but I am a realist. I need to dodge his one grand attack.
After that, this fuzzy abomination is in for some trouble.
Battle Strategy: Nolan Holograms
No. 7 Lou Seal
This one is entirely based on me making the first move, hence why it’s fairly high on the list. I think Lou is an admirable opponent, but I see one clear flaw in his game: his swag.
There’s no denying that Lou has the best sunglasses in the entire mascot game, but I can’t help but notice that he’s never seen without wearing them. Why, you ask?
Lou Seal is legally blind.
I get those prescription lenses off Lou before he takes a swing, and he will never see me coming.
Battle Strategy: LiAngelo Ball in China
No. 6 T-Rac
I honestly had never heard of this mascot before I began compiling my brawlers’ compendium. However, as a Pennsylvania-raised boy, I’ve seen plenty of raccoons in my day, and know their weakness.
Setting up a massive trash can filled with peanut butter will draw T-Rac in, before I deliver a single shove, banishing him to the bottom of the bin.
Battle Strategy: Tom and Jerry-esque antics
No. 5 Buoy
This thing is ugly.
There are no real tricks for this one, just fact – Buoy is young in the mascot game. He doesn’t have that veteran eye to spot a potential sneak attack from across the arena yet.
I won’t say I’m proud of this one, but I think I am too far ahead in mascot-combat experience for this to even be close.
Battle Strategy: Peek-A-Boo Blast
No. 4 Youppi
Youppi takes a different approach to combat.
He’s tough. He’s smart. He’s got a strong game plan.
But, you can’t look at this guy and not see the absolute canvas for ridicule and psychological torment. He’s not just a ginger – he IS ginger.
He’ll be on the ground in a ball, crying out of insecurity before I even take a swing.
Battle Strategy: Ed Sheeran Jokes
No. 3 Swinging Friar
Listen, even if this guy wasn’t a pudgy, balding middle-aged man in a cloak in sandals, there is a clear flaw in his game – the Swinging Friar is a religious man.
The Sixth Commandment: Thou shall not Murder – or something like this.
This guy just doesn’t have it in him to finish the job.
Battle Strategy: Ephesians 6:12
No. 2 Mr. Met
Do I have to say it?
Ok, I’ll say it.
Mr. Met is stupid. Mr. Met is top-heavy. Mr. Met is a baseball with limbs.
I will introduce him to my friend, Mr. Louisville Slugger.
Battle Strategy: 450, dead center
No. 1 Brownie the Elf
I hate elves.
I hate the colors orange and brown.
But most of all, I hate the Cleveland Browns.
I won’t go into details, but this isn’t going to be pretty.
Battle Strategy: Elven Massacre.
Nolan Collery is a second-year majoring in broadcast journalism, to contact him please email njc5848@psu.edu
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